Why breaking up is so hard to do

In both cases, researchers found that how likely someone was to initiate a breakup depended largely on how much pain they perceived the decision would cause the other person. This is true even for people who weren't really committed to the relationship themselves or who were personally unsatisfied with the relationship. Generally, we don't want to hurt our partners and we care about what they want. One of the problems with this line of seemingly altruistic thinking is that it makes assumptions about how the other person feels.

After all, if you're not really committed, it's probably already causing the other person a lot of pain and unease. From that perspective, the kinder thing to do is to just let them go. Remember: It might cause more pain in the short-term, but in the long-term, it saves everyone a lot of grief.

In the third phase, a person comes to terms with, and accepts, the loss. Time and energy is then devoted to other life tasks and goals which can include seeking out a new partner. People who experience insecurity about themselves and their relationships find it harder to deal with and recover from feelings of anger and sadness than people who feel secure within themselves and their relationships.

In general, people tend to work through the various stages of loss to reach the recovery phase from anywhere between one month to six months after the relationship has ended. People who recover from relationship loss tend not to defend against the emotions they are experiencing. That is, they try not to suppress or ignore their feelings, and in doing so, they give themselves the opportunity to process their emotions and to make sense of them. Some studies have suggested writing about the loss , much like journalling, can also help with recovery from relationship loss.

On the other hand, brooding over these emotions, not accepting the relationship loss , and talking about the breakup with people who only increase your feelings of sadness and anger by reinforcing these negative feelings or further highlighting all you have lost, are not particularly constructive ways of dealing with the breakup. If a person is truly having a hard time dealing with the loss — they are in a constant state of sadness, feel chronically depressed, are unable to function on a daily basis — then seeking professional help from a counsellor or psychologist is highly advisable.

Some people might just need a bit of extra help in learning how to process their emotions to reach recovery. Relationship breakups are never easy, and most of us will experience the pain of loss at some point in life. While the experience is painful and challenging, it can be a time where we learn a lot about ourselves, experience profound personal growth, and gain a greater appreciation of the kind of relationship we truly want. This article was originally published on The Conversation.

Read the original article. But this won't do you any favours in the long run, especially if things get physical again. I think when people are reacting to a breakup within that first month, they might be likely to do something pretty impulsive. This isn't to say exes can't be friends. They can, with enough time, and if both people have strong boundaries. But people are impatient, and this can mean they don't take enough time to reflect and really get over the relationship before trying to be friends.

Sometimes people don't have the best intentions either, because they are impulsively reacting to the loss. This can make people behave quite strangely, like breaking into their exes property, destroying their belongings, or coming up to them uninvited in the street. It's not just the relationship you left behind that takes time. If you don't wait long enough before dating again, you'll probably be doing yourself a massive disservice. If you jump back into the dating scene too soon, you haven't given yourself a chance to learn from the experience, or mourn the end of your relationship.

So take a deep breath and allow yourself to take that time. People will always be looking to date, so you're not missing out on anyone if you don't re-download Tinder the next day. We live in a world of instant gratification, which is why it's so tempting to re-download all your dating apps as soon as you find yourself single again. And that takes time to heal too. It's so easy to make a new profile and find people, and you get a hit of dopamine when you realise someone else has matched with you.

This might boost your self-esteem in the short-term, but Ettin said this isn't really the best idea. I say your self esteem should not come from other people liking you — your self esteem should come from within. But unfortunately not everyone practises that. Everyone experiences the ups and downs of a relationship differently, and the same goes for breakups.

If you feel like you're taking longer to get over your last relationship than your friends did, that's completely normal. Ettin said ultimately, you can't compare yourself to anyone else, because your experience will be totally different.

You can't compare yourself to other people. Write out those reasons, and going back to those reasons if you are wavering can be really helpful. The pain of being jilted is more spectacularly depicted in songs and movies, but Comrie says that breakups can bring up really difficult emotions for everyone involved. Here are her top tips for coping with a breakup, no matter what side of it you're on.

Don't argue: This is most important for those who are being broken up with. If somebody has decided they don't want to be with you, don't try to convince them that they're wrong. Remember, you are explaining a decision, not opening a debate. Don't go on a bender: It's really easy to run and drown our sorrows.

However, says Comrie, "at the end of the day, you're now hungover and you're miserable. I've never met anyone who ever processed while on a bender. Don't isolate yourself: One common reaction to bad breakup feelings is to isolate oneself until one feels better. But Comrie says this "is not a great way to handle it because you get in your head and you stay in your head and all you tend to do is question and critique and criticize yourself.

And they often help to lift you out of it. Take care of yourself: "Go to the gym; do some walking; feed yourself right; get enough sleep.

Reinvest in yourself: Comrie recommends taking a course or starting a new project.